So, I may be a dreamer, but I have to admit sometimes I take it too far. When does the dreaming end and the doing begin? This is something I have yet to figure out. I have 33 trips around the sun and not too much to show for it. To be completely honest, that is all my fault. I feel as though so much of my time is spent dreaming that it's hard to pull myself out of that mind set to actually get things done. I often joke and say I'm a space case, but in truth, I really am. I don't mean to be. I just have a natural talent for being completely clueless. I come by it honestly, as my mom or grandma would say.
I've spent my entire life on the outside, never quite fitting in. I have always kind of followed my own path and never payed too much attention to what anyone else was doing. I've never been clued in to what mainstream trends were in or how people went about finding so much obscure music to listen to. I've never really understood how I could be so tuned out of the world. Perhaps, I've just always been super tuned into my own world.
I would say looking back I have always been extremely in tune with my higher self and my spirit guides. But, I don't think I started realizing it until I was close to 15. It was another decade or so before I could even admit it out loud. And once I embraced it, the floodgates seem to open. But that's a topic with in itself, so I digress.
I've always been a very self expressive person. The first version of that being art. I took to art at a young age, and always felt such a sense of peace when I took part in creating it. My second and third loves for self expression came not too much after and pretty much simultaneously. Music and writing. I use to swear I would be a famous singer one day. That is until I realized what fame was. Then I wanted no part in it. And singing became something just for myself. I way to ease my anxiety and give way to any heavy burdens I felt on my being. Still to this day, when I sing, truly sing, a part of me feels as though I am in direct connection to everything and nothing all at once. I feel free and light. \
Writing was a big one for me. I use to write every day. And unfortunately, somewhere along the way I lost my voice. I'm not sure if I let the world pull me away from that part of myself, or if I pushed that part of myself away to be more part of the world. It's hard to explain. But I miss it. I miss the constant scrambling to get to my notebook to jot something down before it was lost forever. I need to get back to that. I always swore I would write a book. I still swear I will. I just need to get past whatever it is that is blocking me from doing it.
The same could be said for my fourth love, photography. Another passion, much like the above mentioned that just taps me in. There was a point in my life my camera was a very extension of myself. Then came the rise digital forms of photography and social media, and I suddenly felt my work wasn't up to par. Film became all but obsolete and I let the rise of the digital age kill a passion I very much needed, as still do.
For a very long time I felt voiceless. I was trapped not only in a toxic situation but I left myself no outlet. I lost all means of self expression that had meant so much to me. But, today is step one to taking that power back. I am putting myself out there in a way I haven't in years. I am blogging my true emotions, grammar mistakes and all. I am making a promise to myself to keep trying. To keep pushing. To allow myself the freedom to be the person I was before the world got to me. I preach it all the time in my readings. It is so important to do things for yourself that will feed you on a soul level. And it's time I take my own advice.